road trip from hell (last summer)

i wanted to put this up on this blog, just because it was on the old one, which i will eventually delete, and i wanted to remember this. i reread it and it cracks me up how stupid we were. so, if this is your first time reading this, then enjoy. if you have read it before, then enjoy, or dont. i could care less.

i really only say it was from hell because we sinned an incredible amount. not that it is any suprise. this is the longest post every, so i'll break this down into days. you should read it all, because we went on this trip ready to straight tucker max it.

day 1.
we leave at 830 am. in john's ford explorer, that has 127000 miles on it. suprisingly, it did not explode. by noon the cruise control no longer worked. let me give the world some advice. tip #1. dont go on a 4500 mile road trip with no fucking cruise control. it blows ass. we stop in okc for some lunch and to go to an arvest bank so i can deposit some checks and get some $$. using the gps deal brandon had we were easily able to find one, although it was on the 2nd floor of oklahoma tower, and we would have never known it were there without the gps. anyway, we continue driving. through oklahoma, through texas, into new mexico. we then call blake and drive 4 hours out of the way to cimarron, nm, to see his ass at some boyscout camp. he has been there all summer and looks like a fucking tom hanks from castaway. i'll stick a pic here somewhere. we have far too many drinks, and at this point we had been drinking since just after lunch. so, we leave and drive to albaquerque, nm. we look for a place to camp, but all campsites have been converted into rv parks. by 4am we are beat, and pull over at a truckstop/24 hour diner/casino. we drive to the back parking lot, find a place we can pull into a field, and camp, right outside the truckstop. ha. go to sleep around 4:15 am

day 2.
awake at 7:30am. suprisingly, noone has murdered us, no rattle snakes have bitten us, no police have arrested us, hell not even the casino shuttle seemed to notice, or if they did, care. nevertheless, we go into the truck stop and take a shower. $5 for a shower. by 8 we are on the road, headed west. in flagstaff, we find a mexican place for lunch, thanks to the help off the gps, we are able to find a hole in the wall place to eat that was excellent. lots of mexicans in arizona. at some point we turn north and head to vegas. stop at hoover dam and damn what a big dam. on the way there we look for a place to stay, as the nearest camp ground is 30 miles from the strip. we land upon a hostel right off the strip. $23 a night. what a fucking amazing experience. we get to vegas around 5:00pm, check into our room. it is shared with 3 other guys. one of which, i can't remember, and the other, james, from england. james has been traveling around the world since last september. he spent a month of so in china, a month or so in india, a month or so in south america, his trip to peru was cut short because it was too bad for his health. by that, he means he was doing too much blow. $2/gram he says. anyway. he hung out with some bermese freedom fighter in india who has been under house arrest for 18 years without a trial. etc etc. james was a cool guy. we learned all this over the course of a few too many cocktails. so, we decide to bring james along with us to the strip, as his friend who he was originally travelling with cut his trip short, so james, who arrived an hour before us, was all alone.

the strip.
we take a cab to the bellagio, as it was a good distance away. 25 bucks. what a fucking rip off. take the interstate there my ass. we go inside, get some membership cards, and hit up the video poker for a bit. in 5 mins, downum dissappears. he was by far the drunkest of all of us. after a few minutes, we decide to go to the poker tables to find him. 15 mins later we see him walking, looking very defeated. he lost 500 bones playing roulette, and didnt even realize how because he was so drunk. he decides to play poker. at this point, we decide to play slots, and so we go our seperate ways. little did we know we would never see him again. well, ok im just kidding. anyway, b, james, and i make our way through a plethora of all the big casinos, getting a new drink every 10 mins, pretending to gamble more than the penny slot machines. 4am rolls around and we decide to go to a booby bar, if we can find one. so we are walking down the street and these 2 old black bitches roll up, where the conversation proceeds something like this:
"where you goin?" - black bitches (hence forth known as bb)
"titty bar, woo!" - us
"get in, we'll take you" - bb
so we get in, myself in the passenger seat, b and james in the back with one of the bitches
"where you dick at get your dick out" - bb to james
they commence wrestling for a bit, as she tries to rape him, before moving on to reach around the seat at me
"get your fucking hands off me" - me
"what why you nervous" - bb
"seriously dont fucking touch me you crazy bitch. take us to the hostel" - me
"the hostel?" - bb
"yes, the fucking hostel on freemont" - me
"ok, we take you" - bb
"drive down vega boulvard, we want to see the strip" - me (at this point im getting somewhat uncomfortable with this situation)
"nah, we'll take the interstate." - bb
"no, we want to see the lights" - me
"why you getting nervious" - bb
"ok fuck it, we are getting out, lets get out guys." - me
thank god for stop lights. we were 1 block away from the interstate. those bitches were going to take us into the ghetto and rob/kill our asses. the one bitch lifted 100 bones off james pretending to want to do him. crazy shit. we go to sleep around, hell i dunno. tip #2. don't getin the car with crazy black bitches in vegas

day 3.
at 730am i am awaken by someone banging on the fucking door as hard as possible. james opens it, and in walks downum, defeated. back to sleep i go. get up around 1030 and shower, head to cali. later i find out downum lost every bit of money he'd brought on the trip. over 700 bucks. he then walked the wrong way, trying to get back to the hostel, before asking a bum on a bus bench, where is fremont street. the bums reply "you may as well sit down" he walked to the airport, and saw the leaving las vegas sign. so he took a bus to a stop just a few blocks from the hostel. anyway, we drive for a long time, eat bbq in pasa robles, and finally get to our campsite in sallinas late, setup camp and go to sleep.

day 4.
awake around 8. its race day.. have some breakfast, a few beers, and get on the shuttle to laguna seca. little did we know the 2 races before the motogp were pushed to after it, so we spent the next 5 hours getting overheated, roaming around looking at motorcycles, then looking for shade, finding poision oak, etc. finally the race begins. it was cool as fuck. the bikes were loud as shit. we have a great time. after its over, we pack up camp and head to santa cruz to find a campsite to stay so we can surf the next day. all were booked, so we drive through asking people who looked younger if we can stay with them and pay half their fee. unfortunately, they were with their families. so, finally we call one a few miles inland and they have 1 spot, only because they caught some kids drinking and kicked them out. this camp site was alcohol free. we didnt care, we just wanted a place to shower and sleep.

day 5.
the next morning we awake and drive to a convinence store to get water. i find a wireless network and we look for places to rent surf boards. we'd been stealing wireless internet from random houses whenever we needed something that the gps couldn't handle. we would basically just drive around untill we picked something up. so, at this convinence store i get on. now, let me backtrack a bit. a couple years ago i signed up on a website. www.couchsurfing.com/ that being said, in vegas, i emailed 5 different people within 45 miles of santa cruz asking for a place to stay for sunday and possible monday nights. the only person to reply was a lady named dina, in petaluma. she said, sure you can stay. i sent her my number, because i didn't think i would get a chance to check my email again. she even called and left a message. so, we have a free place to stay for the night. kinda creepy we think, but fuck it, shes 76 years old, so she probably wont be able to kill all of us. anyway, petaluma was a good deal north of santa cruz, even north of san fran. much mroe than 45 miles, but we decided to go there anyway. we find a place to surf 20 mins from san fran. a town called pacifica. beautiful place. california sucked until we got there. it was 70 degrees. the water was as cold as ice water. brandon and i got in for 30 seconds and got right back the fuck out, spending the majority of the day drinking rum and sleeping on the beach. downum rents a wetsuit and surf board and does that more of the day. we talk to some locals and find out that in san fran to get a 3 bed, 1 br house it would cost 900grand, and then you would have to completely remodel it or destroy ti and build something new, because it would be a shithole. as we are getting ready to leave, we see a little girl shitting on the beach, then taking a piss on the beach, with her lesbian parents encouraging it. she then washed herself in a stream that was running into the ocean. we laugh our asses off. the funniest part was that there were signs posted by the stream saying to keep out because it contains high levels of bacteria. ha. stupid lesbians. so, we drive to san fran for dinner.

the escape.
we stop at a place on the pier that overlooked alcatraz. we used the gps to find it, and go inside and decide it was way to expensive for our trip, but fuck it, we were there, so we eat anyway. we had on our swimsuits and looked like bums. the service was shitty, but the food excellent. i had crab chowder, and b and d had crab enchallidas. we were beaing cheap and those were the cheap items on the menus. nontheless, our tab would have been over 60 dollars. the self fulfilling prophecy is true. if you think people are bums, and treat them like bums, then the tip you get will be that of from a bum. we waited 30 mins for our tab. it didnt come. 2 days prior in pasa robles, we'd decided it would be funny to just leave and not pay for dinner, but we didnt do it. so, brandon says, ok, if she doesnt bring our check in 10 minutes, we are going to fucking mob out of here and not pay. well, 15 mins pass, and we get up and walk out. well, i guess we more like, run out. nonetheless, fuck that place. i hope the waitress had to pick up the tab for being a fucking bitch. so we drive and head to grannies (thats what we start to call the old lady). cross the golden gate bridge, but there are too many clouds to even see it.

grannies.
we finally arrive at her apartment around 9pm. i was expecting weird shit. turns out it wasn't weird at all. grannie is part of many hospitality exchanges. couchsurfing is just an internet form. she seriously busted out like 10 different websites, and bigass books of others. she said she has justed gotten back from 2 months in new zealan, using hospex the whole time, and stayed for free everywhere. i want to travel the world doing this. fuck hostels. she really was a plethora of knowledge and a very entertaining host. go to sleep around 1.

day 6.
we wake up 8 at to home cooked breakfast from grannie. turns out grannie was born in holland, and went into hiding during ww2, since she is a jew. she reccommends many good wineries for us to check out. some of which were not even on our gps. so, by 10 am we are pounding down some wine tasting. everyone was very nice. they didnt give a shit that we didnt know shit about wine. very informative. 5 wineries later, i'm drunk by noon. we get some lunch in sonoma, and head to napa for more wine. napa sucked compared to sonoma. shit was much more ritzy, except teh sutter home winerie. some crackhead worked there. in sonoma the wineries were all so close to each other, there would be 2 on the same road, and these were dead end roads. anyway, we drink wine until 5. im drunk and want to see the geiser. old faithful (of california). it was cool, but not worth the $6 we paid. nonetheless, we were there, so worth seeing it. around 6, we turn south and head home. im sober enough to drive, i supose. i finally go to sleep around 5 am, as we have been driving all night. we dont stop at all. 32 hours straight driving and on day 8, we arrive at 2am. thats right, all of day 7 was spent doing nothing but driving.
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what a fucking trip. definately worth all the debt i incurred on the credit card. now that this has taken me forever to type all this out, i hope you enjoy reading it.