Thursday, October 18, 2007
I got in a fight this morning...
i rear-ended a car this morning. so there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. i've been crazy stressed with law school, not sleeping much, not getting any, and just dealing with a whole buch of stress. you know how you just get sooo stressed at life that stuff seems to get funny? well, i could not believe it, but the guy who gets out of the car i hit was a fucking dwarf. he walks over to my car all pissed off, and looks up at me and says, "i am not happy!" so i look down at him and say, "well, which on are you then?" thats when the fight started...
Houston Nutt is such a bitch
I hope he leaves Arkansas. He is fucking up my football season. Bastard.
Friday, October 05, 2007
the cure to crabs
crabs are easy to cure. this is an remedy that is a definite cure, should you find yourself neck deep in some ditty skeeze or if you are a chick, getting banged on by some dirty dick. the cure is as follows:
1. shave half of the pubes around your junk
2. light the other half on fire
3. when the crabs jump the the shaved side, stab them with an ice pick
you are crab free.
1. shave half of the pubes around your junk
2. light the other half on fire
3. when the crabs jump the the shaved side, stab them with an ice pick
you are crab free.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
a letter
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Coupled with this is the desire to bang anything. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Coupled with this is the desire to bang anything. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
updates
yes, ive been busy with school, and being sick, and just havent updated this in a while. i found some funny facebook groups though. my definite favorite is one called "My Friends Are Getting Married... I'm Just Getting Drunk" story of my life
You might be in law school if
You know all sorts of sneaky and creative ways to steal from clients thanks to your Professionalism and Ethics class.
You consider dropping out of law school approximately every hour, but after that first semester you realized you were already in too much debt to be anything other than a lawyer.
You aspire to one day own Blackacre.
Substance abuse becomes you.
The drama in your life now rivals that of high school.
You make adverse possession jokes.
You can name without hesitation at least three people who make you want to throw things when you see them raise their hands in class.
You think IRAC and CREAC are just code for saying the same thing over and over.
You are truly and deeply unnerved by the thought of some of your classmates becoming attorneys.
You think tequila shots are essential to ordered liberty.
You wonder if that one professor who always seems angry and irritable and treats students’ minds as his personal playground is actually a sociopath or just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.
Sometimes during disagreements you are tempted to 12(b)(6) the offending friend or family member.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between a conspirator and an accomplice.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between coffee and red bull.
You can’t remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself.
You think whoever first introduced the Socratic method into the law school curriculum should have his face lit on fire and then beaten out with a rake.
You can’t think of any legitimate reason why a law student would need access to certain public records, but you can think of a whole lot of illegitimate ones.
After the first semester you realized that “briefing a case” need only consist of looking it up on Lexis or Westlaw.
You’ve given yourself carpal tunnel from all the spider solitaire you play in class.
When someone is expressing their frustration or anger about something that is in any way related to the law, you can’t be sympathetic because you’re too busy figuring out in your head if they have a cause of action.
You hear about the death of an elderly friend or relative and wonder if they died intestate.
You have considered changing career paths to hot dog vendor, stilt walker, or career alcoholic.
You're pretty sure the reasonable prudent man is a friendless tool who still lives with his mother.
You consider dropping out of law school approximately every hour, but after that first semester you realized you were already in too much debt to be anything other than a lawyer.
You aspire to one day own Blackacre.
Substance abuse becomes you.
The drama in your life now rivals that of high school.
You make adverse possession jokes.
You can name without hesitation at least three people who make you want to throw things when you see them raise their hands in class.
You think IRAC and CREAC are just code for saying the same thing over and over.
You are truly and deeply unnerved by the thought of some of your classmates becoming attorneys.
You think tequila shots are essential to ordered liberty.
You wonder if that one professor who always seems angry and irritable and treats students’ minds as his personal playground is actually a sociopath or just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.
Sometimes during disagreements you are tempted to 12(b)(6) the offending friend or family member.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between a conspirator and an accomplice.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between coffee and red bull.
You can’t remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself.
You think whoever first introduced the Socratic method into the law school curriculum should have his face lit on fire and then beaten out with a rake.
You can’t think of any legitimate reason why a law student would need access to certain public records, but you can think of a whole lot of illegitimate ones.
After the first semester you realized that “briefing a case” need only consist of looking it up on Lexis or Westlaw.
You’ve given yourself carpal tunnel from all the spider solitaire you play in class.
When someone is expressing their frustration or anger about something that is in any way related to the law, you can’t be sympathetic because you’re too busy figuring out in your head if they have a cause of action.
You hear about the death of an elderly friend or relative and wonder if they died intestate.
You have considered changing career paths to hot dog vendor, stilt walker, or career alcoholic.
You're pretty sure the reasonable prudent man is a friendless tool who still lives with his mother.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
my kick ass hamburger recipe
so im at my parents house for the weekend. i had mom get some hamburger meat before she went to spa city so i could grill some burgers, since i dont have any way to grill in fay. i decided since i have ground beef that i would make a specialty burger, so i google to find some recipes. all the recipes sound delicious but i dont have all the ingredients for each one. so, basically i just dig through the kitchen and put random shit in my hamburger meat. here is what my recipe consists of:
hamburger meat
strawberry's bbq sauce
louisiana terriaki sauce
1 egg
garlic powder
some of that chopped up garlic that is really small and comes in a jar
some bacon bits
some brown sugar
some crushed up sun chips
i didnt have any bread crumbs, so i just crushed up some chips. i also put cheese on it and bacon on it. it was fucking awesome. im awesome
hamburger meat
strawberry's bbq sauce
louisiana terriaki sauce
1 egg
garlic powder
some of that chopped up garlic that is really small and comes in a jar
some bacon bits
some brown sugar
some crushed up sun chips
i didnt have any bread crumbs, so i just crushed up some chips. i also put cheese on it and bacon on it. it was fucking awesome. im awesome
Thursday, September 20, 2007
im not really a madtv fan
but i do like watching the news and i like political humor, so i thought this was funny
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
fuck nick saban
he is apparently responsible for taking down a website that i enjoyed. www.secpoon.com
the reasoning for this is apparently that there was a picture of his niece on the site. well, after a google search i find the alleged picture, and figure i'll post it here. maybe the alabama mafia will pay me off to remove it. i accept paypal.
the reasoning for this is apparently that there was a picture of his niece on the site. well, after a google search i find the alleged picture, and figure i'll post it here. maybe the alabama mafia will pay me off to remove it. i accept paypal.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
its mother fucker saturday
i havent even showered yet. i dont want to. i will miss some football action. the hogs play bama in a few hours. i learned a bama cheer this week from a friend of my who went to school there. it goes like this. "ramma jamma yella hamma, give em hell, alabama." pretty gay if you ask me. so im having a day of football action. last saturday, i had a day of football action and boozing. then i went to the bar, and somehow ended up at a place called discovery, which is a gay bar except on sat nights, watching a drag show at 2 in the morning. how did this happen? hot chicks. thats how. jesus, these women are good looking. i like being around good looking women, even if they are married and we are just hanging out. id rather hang out with a good looking girl. in another related note, watch fox news talk about a donkey punch and an angry pirate
Sunday, September 09, 2007
whats your fantasy?
i saw this commercial last night at the bar several times, before my strange night even started, which i'll post about later. for now, enjoy the commercial
Saturday, September 08, 2007
the end of the internet
every once in a while i write a post about seeing the end of the internet. i claim that i have seen it, and up to that point, i probably have. there are various websites that are the end of the internet to me. however, last night, we went to the bars, i had a great time, got good and drunk, and came home. i couldnt sleep. so i did what any normal guy does on a friday night at 3am when he cant sleep. i creep around on the internet. i found the most fucked up site ever. and i mean ever. its fucked nuts.now i will give it to you. www.mydeathspace.com
basically what this site does is updates people who were on myspace who have died. lots of them committ suicide or have drug overdoses. someone exceptionally fucked up in the head person write a little bio for that person, puts a link to their myspace page, and sometimes a link to their obituary if its online. the best part about this is that its searchable. i found max the fish, who died from lack of oxygen after his tank fucked up. haha
basically what this site does is updates people who were on myspace who have died. lots of them committ suicide or have drug overdoses. someone exceptionally fucked up in the head person write a little bio for that person, puts a link to their myspace page, and sometimes a link to their obituary if its online. the best part about this is that its searchable. i found max the fish, who died from lack of oxygen after his tank fucked up. haha
Friday, September 07, 2007
that time of year
with the coming of fall, new tv shows come out. i became addicted to tv last year. i invested hours of my life into watching tv shows that were good. some of them got cancelled. some will have new episodes this fall. i just watched a screener of a new show called life that is coming out this fall on some network. it was pretty good. it has the guy who starred in band of brothers, which i really liked. i will probably set the dvr to record this show, along with the usuals and maybe 1 or 3 other new shows that seem like they might interest me. i think i need to move to LA and pick out which shows are good and which shows are not, and then put them on the air. seems like a good job to have. fuck law school. i guess after law school i can say, "Shannon Grant, name on the door."
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
20%
thats how pure i am. i got one of those little facebook invitations to take a purity test and add some gay application to my facebook profile. i opted not to put the application in there because i think they are gay, but i took the test. 20% pure. thats pretty good, i think, although the friend who invited me to take this test was 45% pure and she had a little devil beside her. it must be because i like to try everything and have an addictive personality. seems like the only questions i could leave blank were the ones about whether or not i'd given oral sex to a guy, which is an obvious no.
superfunny
so, i finally got a little free time. well, to be honest, i just sacrificed sleep to make some. i finally watched superbad. i have to say, it is probably one of the funniest movies i've seen in a long time. much much funnier than knocked up. without giving anything away, lots of the shit that happened in the movie would never really happen in real life, but the premise in real life is there for most of the shit. it reminded me of doing ignorant shit in high school. if you havent seen this movie, watch it. download it if you are a broke college student, but just watch it one way or another, and prepare to get heartburn from laughing so hard.
Monday, September 03, 2007
down, set
football season is here. this is one of my favorite times of the year. i've been worthless today and am still watching football right now. saturday, i went to fayetteville for the hog game, where i lost 12 hours of my life. its ok though, apparently i had a good time. i hope to see pictures at some point. gotta work hard to play harder.
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