note the nwa postmark, and the obvious chick handwriting. now for the actual letter. i just want you to know that it smells all girly and good. click it to make it big enough to read. i considered just typing it out, but shit, look at all that. i have a scanner for a reason
here are the email correspondence that followed:
the first email came to my uark account, titled, "suprise, please read!!"
it said:
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If your address is still P.O. Box 2730, Fayetteville, Ar 72702-----check
your mail. If it's not your address, you should send me your new one.
U of A chick(scarlett hamilton is
not my real name)
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my response, although i had already received it, and know it must be the same person, was as follows:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"It is... why? Who is this?"
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now for future reference you can read this just like an email correspondence. her emails will be in ----- boxes, while mine will be in +++++++++++. my thoughts at the time, and commentary will be in italics
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just check your mail, you'll figure it out!
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i did. thats why i want to know who this is... so i can tell whos playing the joke on me
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now, the next email i receive has a big title, "not a joke, please believe me!" unfortunately, it is not where nearly is big as the fucking email
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i promise you this is not some mind game, it's for real, what i wrote was true. i'm just to shy to talk to you in person, hence the reason i sent you a letter. I got up some nerve and called the number in the directory, thinking it might be a cell #, and i guess it was your Dad that answered the phone, said you lived in Fayetteville now. i stammered some lame explanation and hung-up. i sent you an e-mail yesturday in case that was an old address. i just wanted to make sure you got my letter. Again, i promise you this is not a joke. I really do have a class with you, and think you are a cool guy. Don't be freaked out or anything, I'm not looking for a serious soulmate
connection or anything, not even a relationship. Most of my friends are guys, I just don't know that many people in Fayetteville , i moved here about a year ago. I just wanted you to know that i'm crushin on you and find you very interesting. This seems so elementary schoolish, but i'm just so shy, and you seem so comfortable with yourself. If you were to talk to me, i would probably stumble and stutter over all my words, whereas writing you a letter was easy, all i had to do was send it. I don't want you to know who i am just yet. If i were to give you my number would call it??????????????? Once again, I promise you this is not a joke.
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maybe, if you tell me who this is first.
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as you can see, my responses are very elaborate. now, the next email i received was titled, "here's my #, do with it what you will." great, another fucking long one. and yes, i put x's where the bitches phone number is.
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Maybe sending you a letter was a bad idea, i thought it was a good idea at the time, now i am second guessing myself. I guess I would be pretty pissed too, that is until i found out if this was legit or not. It's not a joke, or some sick prank. I just wanted to try a different approach to hitting on you, since i have to see you in class a few days each week. For all i know, you have a girlfriend. i don't want to get my ass whopped, or cause any drama. You are probably out of my league anyways, but here's my number (445-XXXX). I'm not going to tell you who i am. I don't know you. You seem like a nice guy, but all i know is what i see from class. I guess if you don't call in next few days, i'll leave it at, and stop sending you messages. I hope you call, if only you call to tell me to leave you alone. Obviously you are curious about my identity....Duh, anyone who gets a sappy letter like the one i first wrote must be. I do like your eyes and your smirk though. Sorry, i guess i was keeping with the spirit of the Damned Valentine's Day bullshit. i'm not a touchy feely, lovestruck fool or anything. Don't let your ego go to your head. I don't want to set myself up, if you know who i am, it's like I'm a sitting duck! Yeah, yeah, your next thought was probably, "it's not fair to me", but i refuse to be the butt of
a joke!!!!!!! For all i know you only date girls who look like a fucking Barbie doll. Like i said, i'm attractive, but i'm no Barbie!! Look, sorry if i'm annoying you, now you have my number. Call it, or don't call, anytime after 5:00. I live alone, so it will be me that answers. It's my home number and right now i'm on campus.
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So what class do we have together?
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the next one came in a new topic titled, "this is the class we have together!" finally, a fucking email i can tolerate. i have a general rule of disregarding most emails that are over 4 lines long. ohh, and the peanut butter remark, is because in that clas,s the teacher asked if what was happening in the news, so i told her about making a pb&j sandwich which watching the news and seeing the hing about the recall, which i had, so i was pissed
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World Literature. I'm glad you didn't eat the peanut butter!!!!!
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ok so the next email i get from her is random, and its long as fuck. but its funny as hell.
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Dear Shannon,
February 16th, 2007
This is the last letter you are going to get from me. My intention with the first letter was to flatter but mostly to Amuse you. I love to read and write, so I was trying to make it mushy and a bit exaggerated in content. I was inspired to write you because I recently read some love letters my great-great grandfather on my Dad’s side sent to my great-great grandmother between the years 1915-1921. I am a history major, so that kind of thing struck a chord and gave me an idea. Also, it was close to Valentine’s Day when I typed it. Letter writing is a classic form of communication. I
overhead you say some things in class, and yes the letter was silly, but it was intended to be. I hope you don’t/haven’t let anyone from class read it. I’ve never written anyone a secret admirer letter before. I wanted to make you smile one of those big shit-eater grins after you read it. All I was trying to do was make you aware that there is someone who thinks you are attractive and cool. Now that we have been playing e-mail tag, I guess I should tell you that Gone With The Wind is my favorite book. I’ve read it cover to cover four times. Hamilton is the last name of Scarlett O’Hara’s first husband, hence my pseudonym. I’m probably in the class that you least expect me to be in, and am probably a girl you wouldn’t suspect to be your
secret admirer. Just for shits and giggles, are you by chance from around Memphis? If you have a good memory, the reason I ask should make sense to you. I’m from around Helena, a delta country girl born and bred. Also one of my favorite bands is Lucero, a group from around Memphis. If you know who Lucero is, awesome band, they have a song that describes some of my features, (hair and eye color.) The song is “Banks of the Arkansas.” I typed you the letter because I feared you might recognize my handwriting. I gave you my birthday as a clue, so that through a process of elimination, you can figure out who I’m not. I thought with you being a history major, you might like the jest of my riddle. Pearl Harbor Day (December 7th) is the answer if you haven’t figured it out. I guess you’re not going to call, or maybe you
are too scared to call. I might actually tell you who I am if you do, there’s a real good chance I will….. (But I would rather remain anonymous to the class!) I didn’t want to tell you who I am, because I would like to see the look on your face, your initial, first reaction once you see who I am. Another reason is because I work somewhere on campus, and see a ton of people every day. I thought of suggesting maybe we meet somewhere on campus, like a private place in the Library or Union, but that idea probably doesn’t sound appealing to you since you don’t know who I am, Mr. Impatient. I’m very stubborn, always have been, that is one of my greatest flaws. I feel like you’re testing me, this little game has become more complicated than I
originally intended it to be. I wanted it to be one-sided for a while, you receiving anonymous letters from me until I got up the guts to tell you who I am. I got impatient and discouraged when I called the number, so I e-mailed you. I’m sorry if you thought this was a joke, if you feel like I have violated your privacy, or if I have annoyed you in any way. I was feeling really daring the day I sent you the first letter. I probably stood at the postal drop box for a good 10 minutes debating on whether or not to put that letter in the mail. Again, I thought it might amuse you. I guess it did (LOL) Here’s my number if you ever want to call (479) 445-XXXX. I have
your address, you have my number. Whatever you decide to do, do it soon before I give up on you!!! If you have figured out who I am, don’t tell the world please!!!
“Lines for Shannon”
Some guy admired from a far
I wonder who you really are
I sit in class and think of you
I do not know what I should do
I’m very quiet, and very shy
You seem like you are a nice guy
Afraid to talk, afraid to speak
For my real name to be leaked
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i get my own fucking poem. how sweet is that? i'm starting to wonder who this bitch, is, and if she is hot. who knows, i might have to hook up with her. so i downloaded that song, and it talked about brown hair and green eyes. that band really sucks by the way. continuing with my really long responses, i come back with this:
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where do you work on campus?
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okay, but to find out, you have to call me. (Just dial *67 or whatever and call!) Then you can hear what my sexy voice sounds like!!(hehehehe) besides, i don't have a computer at my house, i'm at the fay.pub.lib. right now.
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here, i'm thinking, what a fucking weirdo
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maybe we should just meet somewhere?
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ok
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where would you like to meet? I'm on campus, had to come get some coffee!!!
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
coffee is overrated. i'm at my house
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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well, i needed a little pick me up, my cats destroyed a bunch of shit while
i was at work this morning!! i'm pissed, i just missed the 5:00 bus!, i'll probably be here until around 6:00, how old are you?
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
im old enough. how old are you?
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the next email i get from her is titled, "what ay doin' later?" at this point, im starting to wonder who this bitch is.
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well, leaving campus now, we should get wasted together or something. if you are interested you should call. ever heard of *67? Use it, don't be a scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy cat!!!!! (FYI- if you aren't down w/ Mary Jane, i'm not interested, you seem like a cool guy though) for the millionith time, here is my number 445-XXXX
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so, here is the end of the emails for the most part. through my mad facebook skills and through the university directory, i was able to narrow down the list to just 4 people. they were either not on facebook, not in the directory, or i couldnt view their facebook profiles. so, later that night, i played poker with a few friends, won some money, and got good and drunk. after surviving the drive home, i decide ot call this bitch. i guess i talked to her for a while, based on the amount of rum that had depleted itself from my half g. nonetheless, all i really remember is her voice. it is really annoying. so much to the point that in the calss we have together, i've have pointed it out to people i sit near, because this bitch also asks really dumb questions. that said, she isnt the type of girl i would go for. i guess i do only go for the barbie types. plus, THIS BITCH IS FUCKING CRAZY! so, i get an email the next morning telling me her name. later, i get another one that says this:
now you know what my name is, do you know who i am? I'm the girl that sits in the very back, probably seen me drawing. i'm a little chubby have brown hair w/ bright red and copper highlights, green eyes, wear a thumb ring. I think i'm quite a dish!! (hehehe) Get drunk and call me again sometime!! I like ya, you're easy to talk to, we should hang out sometime. like i said, i don't want a boyfriend or a relationship so don't be sceered!!!
this next email is totally funny. i get it at some point towards the end of all this, and its the icing on the cake of hilariousness. ya, this bitch wants to bang me.
you're not the only guy i have my eyes on, but your the first i've gone after. been having naughty thoughts about you, it's been a while so......... Anyways, if you ever want to hang out and get stoned, give me a shout
later she sends me an email sayingshe just saw me in the union, but i was with my buddy jeff, so she didnt come over and talk to me. i guess she followed us there, because he is in the class also? stalker. woo. now that you've made it to the end of this longest post ever, i hope you've had a good laugh. while this girl said she didn't want to be made a joke of, well, to fucking bad, thats what you get for being crazy.
1 comment:
What a weirdo. I need to know her name.
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