a friend of my showed me this. its from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and its stuff people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------
------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
--------------------------
-------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
darwin at its best
so, i am a firm believer in natural selection. one of the little kids that lives on my street was roller blading today. he dashes out in the middle of the road in front of the car in front of me, and i have to slam my breaks to keep from hitting this car who slammed their breaks to keep from hitting this kid. didn't this little fucks parents teach him anything? in an effort not to sound racially skewed, i didn't mention that he was a black kid until after i told the story. that said, his parents may have been too busy dealing drugs, listing/making rap cds, drinking 40s, and eating watermelon and/or fried chicken to teach him some basic rules for crossing the street. who knows? im sure it was none of those. the problem with America is stupidity. i'm not saying there should be rules or laws against people being stupid. we don't need capital punishment for stupidity. why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? really, the car in front of me, should not have hit the breaks.
insights
so, a chick has a close guy friend. this means that he is most likely interested in her, maybe he just wants ot bang her, maybe more, etc etc etc. it is why he hangs around so much. she sees him strictly as a friend. this always starts out with some bullshit like, "you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way." this is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, "you have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. we will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. but, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. and if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. in fact, we will never hire you. but we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired." fuck...
Friday, March 16, 2007
i feel like shit
i havent updated this in a while. i have pneumonia. how shitty is that. i would have updated more often, but i have just been laying in bed being sick for a week. the meds i have dont seem to be working. i'll probably go back and get something different tomorrow. i have a constant fever, and a nasty nasty cough that sounds like a barking dog. i havent been to class in a week. im so behind, and have missed 2 tests already. fuck
Sunday, March 11, 2007
so i've been sick as shit
and it sucks. i havent done much lately except lay around being sick and worthless. the hogs made the NCAA tourney, so on friday i can sit around and watch that. hopefully i'll be better by then so i can have a few brews.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
sickness
i have fucking bronchitis. i feel like total shit. great time to get sick, since i have so much damn school stuff to do. fuck
Thursday, March 01, 2007
failure
university of arkansas library bandwidth is way to slow for me to watch tv online. how gay is that. what the hell are people paying for here?
sweetness
so, i watch a lot of tv, as one might imagine. probably too much. but, as a result of my inability to sleep, i get everything done, and still watch lots of tube. that said, i have a break between classes on tuesday and thursday with not much to do, ever, so as opposed to usually just creeping around on facebook, checking my email, reading the news, etc etc etc, i'm going to watch some tv on abc.com and possibly see what kinda fucked up shit in can find on youtube. the jury is still out on this endevour
free shit
so, im a big fan of free shit, probably because im broke. nonetheless, coke has some shit called my coke rewards. you collect points from drinking coke and redeem them for shit. well, on a website that i read i found this 6 different promo codes that give you 193 of these coke points, which is the equivalent to drinking around 65ish 20 oz cokes. you can get shit like free movie rentals form blockbuster, a couple magazines that i dont give a fuck about, and a bunch of other random shit. nonetheless, if you want to sign up and get some free shit too, go to www.mycokerewards.com and use these codes:
3 points with coupon code "10008 20218 21624"
5 points with coupon code "10008 21577 63657"
10 points with coupon code "10008 22118 32616"
25 points with coupon code "10008 23139 89671"
50 points with coupon code "10008 24318 77291"
100 points with coupon code "10008 25388 44274"
3 points with coupon code "10008 20218 21624"
5 points with coupon code "10008 21577 63657"
10 points with coupon code "10008 22118 32616"
25 points with coupon code "10008 23139 89671"
50 points with coupon code "10008 24318 77291"
100 points with coupon code "10008 25388 44274"
i drove a u-haul today
yea, its cool and tough. it was big and awkward and the mirrors provided very little views of beside me, so i had to be super careful. not that you give a fuck, but i thought it was fun
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
hot college girls = money
hot college girls are worth a lot, when they are naked. playboy is coming to campus, to find some sluts to put in the girls of the SEC issue. i cant fucking wait. facebook stalking will be at an all time high when that issue comes out, as it always is when the college issues come out. naked girls are great
Monday, February 26, 2007
funny shit
ok, so this isnt quite as funny as the stalker shit, but this is pretty good. i was talking to a friend tonight, who i havent spoken with in forever, it seems. we caught up for a bit, then somehow started discussing blogs. nonetheless, she made a blog. now, this girl is a nurse at some hospital in birmingham alabama, and one of the smartest people i know. all of the south is pretty much the same, and full of dumb shit black people and rednecks. her post entails just that
-------------------------------------------
Life Lessons #1
Here are a couple of things that I thought I would share. These are all things that I have learned from work...
After escaping from your burning house, don't return inside to save your crack. It will result in major burns.
If in the hospital with your spouse (not as a patient) and you call the staff a mother f*&#er. The police will escort you out.
No matter how much time has passed... the mullet will return.
If your signafican other lights you on fire, hold tight and make that asshole burn too.
When burning pictures of your ex. don't use gasoline.
-------------------------------------------
This post made me think of the leprechaun video, so i have to put it in this post. although it takes place in jackson, ms, as opposed ot birmingham, al, they are basically the same. here is the news story
while at first glance, this below looks like the same video, its definately not. here is the DJ leprecon video. not a bad beat. where da gold at?
-------------------------------------------
Life Lessons #1
Here are a couple of things that I thought I would share. These are all things that I have learned from work...
After escaping from your burning house, don't return inside to save your crack. It will result in major burns.
If in the hospital with your spouse (not as a patient) and you call the staff a mother f*&#er. The police will escort you out.
No matter how much time has passed... the mullet will return.
If your signafican other lights you on fire, hold tight and make that asshole burn too.
When burning pictures of your ex. don't use gasoline.
-------------------------------------------
This post made me think of the leprechaun video, so i have to put it in this post. although it takes place in jackson, ms, as opposed ot birmingham, al, they are basically the same. here is the news story
while at first glance, this below looks like the same video, its definately not. here is the DJ leprecon video. not a bad beat. where da gold at?
hey, your a crazy bitch, but ya fuck so good im on top of it
ok, i dont really know about all that, but this is the crazy stalker letter i got from this random bitch from one of my classes. before you begin reading this, know that it will take some time, because seriously, this is the most wordy bitch ever. and most of the words suck. it came in the mail to my university PO BOX, which noone has the address to. initially, i thought it was a joke, played by one of my friends. here is the envelope it came in:
note the nwa postmark, and the obvious chick handwriting. now for the actual letter. i just want you to know that it smells all girly and good. click it to make it big enough to read. i considered just typing it out, but shit, look at all that. i have a scanner for a reason
here are the email correspondence that followed:
the first email came to my uark account, titled, "suprise, please read!!"
it said:
--------------------------
If your address is still P.O. Box 2730, Fayetteville, Ar 72702-----check
your mail. If it's not your address, you should send me your new one.
U of A chick(scarlett hamilton is
not my real name)
--------------------------
my response, although i had already received it, and know it must be the same person, was as follows:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"It is... why? Who is this?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
now for future reference you can read this just like an email correspondence. her emails will be in ----- boxes, while mine will be in +++++++++++. my thoughts at the time, and commentary will be in italics
--------------------------
just check your mail, you'll figure it out!
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i did. thats why i want to know who this is... so i can tell whos playing the joke on me
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
now, the next email i receive has a big title, "not a joke, please believe me!" unfortunately, it is not where nearly is big as the fucking email
--------------------------
i promise you this is not some mind game, it's for real, what i wrote was true. i'm just to shy to talk to you in person, hence the reason i sent you a letter. I got up some nerve and called the number in the directory, thinking it might be a cell #, and i guess it was your Dad that answered the phone, said you lived in Fayetteville now. i stammered some lame explanation and hung-up. i sent you an e-mail yesturday in case that was an old address. i just wanted to make sure you got my letter. Again, i promise you this is not a joke. I really do have a class with you, and think you are a cool guy. Don't be freaked out or anything, I'm not looking for a serious soulmate
connection or anything, not even a relationship. Most of my friends are guys, I just don't know that many people in Fayetteville , i moved here about a year ago. I just wanted you to know that i'm crushin on you and find you very interesting. This seems so elementary schoolish, but i'm just so shy, and you seem so comfortable with yourself. If you were to talk to me, i would probably stumble and stutter over all my words, whereas writing you a letter was easy, all i had to do was send it. I don't want you to know who i am just yet. If i were to give you my number would call it??????????????? Once again, I promise you this is not a joke.
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
maybe, if you tell me who this is first.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
as you can see, my responses are very elaborate. now, the next email i received was titled, "here's my #, do with it what you will." great, another fucking long one. and yes, i put x's where the bitches phone number is.
--------------------------
Maybe sending you a letter was a bad idea, i thought it was a good idea at the time, now i am second guessing myself. I guess I would be pretty pissed too, that is until i found out if this was legit or not. It's not a joke, or some sick prank. I just wanted to try a different approach to hitting on you, since i have to see you in class a few days each week. For all i know, you have a girlfriend. i don't want to get my ass whopped, or cause any drama. You are probably out of my league anyways, but here's my number (445-XXXX). I'm not going to tell you who i am. I don't know you. You seem like a nice guy, but all i know is what i see from class. I guess if you don't call in next few days, i'll leave it at, and stop sending you messages. I hope you call, if only you call to tell me to leave you alone. Obviously you are curious about my identity....Duh, anyone who gets a sappy letter like the one i first wrote must be. I do like your eyes and your smirk though. Sorry, i guess i was keeping with the spirit of the Damned Valentine's Day bullshit. i'm not a touchy feely, lovestruck fool or anything. Don't let your ego go to your head. I don't want to set myself up, if you know who i am, it's like I'm a sitting duck! Yeah, yeah, your next thought was probably, "it's not fair to me", but i refuse to be the butt of
a joke!!!!!!! For all i know you only date girls who look like a fucking Barbie doll. Like i said, i'm attractive, but i'm no Barbie!! Look, sorry if i'm annoying you, now you have my number. Call it, or don't call, anytime after 5:00. I live alone, so it will be me that answers. It's my home number and right now i'm on campus.
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So what class do we have together?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
the next one came in a new topic titled, "this is the class we have together!" finally, a fucking email i can tolerate. i have a general rule of disregarding most emails that are over 4 lines long. ohh, and the peanut butter remark, is because in that clas,s the teacher asked if what was happening in the news, so i told her about making a pb&j sandwich which watching the news and seeing the hing about the recall, which i had, so i was pissed
--------------------------
World Literature. I'm glad you didn't eat the peanut butter!!!!!
--------------------------
ok so the next email i get from her is random, and its long as fuck. but its funny as hell.
--------------------------
Dear Shannon,
February 16th, 2007
This is the last letter you are going to get from me. My intention with the first letter was to flatter but mostly to Amuse you. I love to read and write, so I was trying to make it mushy and a bit exaggerated in content. I was inspired to write you because I recently read some love letters my great-great grandfather on my Dad’s side sent to my great-great grandmother between the years 1915-1921. I am a history major, so that kind of thing struck a chord and gave me an idea. Also, it was close to Valentine’s Day when I typed it. Letter writing is a classic form of communication. I
overhead you say some things in class, and yes the letter was silly, but it was intended to be. I hope you don’t/haven’t let anyone from class read it. I’ve never written anyone a secret admirer letter before. I wanted to make you smile one of those big shit-eater grins after you read it. All I was trying to do was make you aware that there is someone who thinks you are attractive and cool. Now that we have been playing e-mail tag, I guess I should tell you that Gone With The Wind is my favorite book. I’ve read it cover to cover four times. Hamilton is the last name of Scarlett O’Hara’s first husband, hence my pseudonym. I’m probably in the class that you least expect me to be in, and am probably a girl you wouldn’t suspect to be your
secret admirer. Just for shits and giggles, are you by chance from around Memphis? If you have a good memory, the reason I ask should make sense to you. I’m from around Helena, a delta country girl born and bred. Also one of my favorite bands is Lucero, a group from around Memphis. If you know who Lucero is, awesome band, they have a song that describes some of my features, (hair and eye color.) The song is “Banks of the Arkansas.” I typed you the letter because I feared you might recognize my handwriting. I gave you my birthday as a clue, so that through a process of elimination, you can figure out who I’m not. I thought with you being a history major, you might like the jest of my riddle. Pearl Harbor Day (December 7th) is the answer if you haven’t figured it out. I guess you’re not going to call, or maybe you
are too scared to call. I might actually tell you who I am if you do, there’s a real good chance I will….. (But I would rather remain anonymous to the class!) I didn’t want to tell you who I am, because I would like to see the look on your face, your initial, first reaction once you see who I am. Another reason is because I work somewhere on campus, and see a ton of people every day. I thought of suggesting maybe we meet somewhere on campus, like a private place in the Library or Union, but that idea probably doesn’t sound appealing to you since you don’t know who I am, Mr. Impatient. I’m very stubborn, always have been, that is one of my greatest flaws. I feel like you’re testing me, this little game has become more complicated than I
originally intended it to be. I wanted it to be one-sided for a while, you receiving anonymous letters from me until I got up the guts to tell you who I am. I got impatient and discouraged when I called the number, so I e-mailed you. I’m sorry if you thought this was a joke, if you feel like I have violated your privacy, or if I have annoyed you in any way. I was feeling really daring the day I sent you the first letter. I probably stood at the postal drop box for a good 10 minutes debating on whether or not to put that letter in the mail. Again, I thought it might amuse you. I guess it did (LOL) Here’s my number if you ever want to call (479) 445-XXXX. I have
your address, you have my number. Whatever you decide to do, do it soon before I give up on you!!! If you have figured out who I am, don’t tell the world please!!!
“Lines for Shannon”
Some guy admired from a far
I wonder who you really are
I sit in class and think of you
I do not know what I should do
I’m very quiet, and very shy
You seem like you are a nice guy
Afraid to talk, afraid to speak
For my real name to be leaked
--------------------------
i get my own fucking poem. how sweet is that? i'm starting to wonder who this bitch, is, and if she is hot. who knows, i might have to hook up with her. so i downloaded that song, and it talked about brown hair and green eyes. that band really sucks by the way. continuing with my really long responses, i come back with this:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
where do you work on campus?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--------------------------
okay, but to find out, you have to call me. (Just dial *67 or whatever and call!) Then you can hear what my sexy voice sounds like!!(hehehehe) besides, i don't have a computer at my house, i'm at the fay.pub.lib. right now.
--------------------------
here, i'm thinking, what a fucking weirdo
--------------------------
maybe we should just meet somewhere?
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ok
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--------------------------
where would you like to meet? I'm on campus, had to come get some coffee!!!
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
coffee is overrated. i'm at my house
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
--------------------------
well, i needed a little pick me up, my cats destroyed a bunch of shit while
i was at work this morning!! i'm pissed, i just missed the 5:00 bus!, i'll probably be here until around 6:00, how old are you?
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
im old enough. how old are you?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
the next email i get from her is titled, "what ay doin' later?" at this point, im starting to wonder who this bitch is.
--------------------------
well, leaving campus now, we should get wasted together or something. if you are interested you should call. ever heard of *67? Use it, don't be a scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy cat!!!!! (FYI- if you aren't down w/ Mary Jane, i'm not interested, you seem like a cool guy though) for the millionith time, here is my number 445-XXXX
--------------------------
so, here is the end of the emails for the most part. through my mad facebook skills and through the university directory, i was able to narrow down the list to just 4 people. they were either not on facebook, not in the directory, or i couldnt view their facebook profiles. so, later that night, i played poker with a few friends, won some money, and got good and drunk. after surviving the drive home, i decide ot call this bitch. i guess i talked to her for a while, based on the amount of rum that had depleted itself from my half g. nonetheless, all i really remember is her voice. it is really annoying. so much to the point that in the calss we have together, i've have pointed it out to people i sit near, because this bitch also asks really dumb questions. that said, she isnt the type of girl i would go for. i guess i do only go for the barbie types. plus, THIS BITCH IS FUCKING CRAZY! so, i get an email the next morning telling me her name. later, i get another one that says this:
now you know what my name is, do you know who i am? I'm the girl that sits in the very back, probably seen me drawing. i'm a little chubby have brown hair w/ bright red and copper highlights, green eyes, wear a thumb ring. I think i'm quite a dish!! (hehehe) Get drunk and call me again sometime!! I like ya, you're easy to talk to, we should hang out sometime. like i said, i don't want a boyfriend or a relationship so don't be sceered!!!
this next email is totally funny. i get it at some point towards the end of all this, and its the icing on the cake of hilariousness. ya, this bitch wants to bang me.
you're not the only guy i have my eyes on, but your the first i've gone after. been having naughty thoughts about you, it's been a while so......... Anyways, if you ever want to hang out and get stoned, give me a shout
later she sends me an email sayingshe just saw me in the union, but i was with my buddy jeff, so she didnt come over and talk to me. i guess she followed us there, because he is in the class also? stalker. woo. now that you've made it to the end of this longest post ever, i hope you've had a good laugh. while this girl said she didn't want to be made a joke of, well, to fucking bad, thats what you get for being crazy.
note the nwa postmark, and the obvious chick handwriting. now for the actual letter. i just want you to know that it smells all girly and good. click it to make it big enough to read. i considered just typing it out, but shit, look at all that. i have a scanner for a reason
here are the email correspondence that followed:
the first email came to my uark account, titled, "suprise, please read!!"
it said:
--------------------------
If your address is still P.O. Box 2730, Fayetteville, Ar 72702-----check
your mail. If it's not your address, you should send me your new one.
U of A chick(scarlett hamilton is
not my real name)
--------------------------
my response, although i had already received it, and know it must be the same person, was as follows:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"It is... why? Who is this?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
now for future reference you can read this just like an email correspondence. her emails will be in ----- boxes, while mine will be in +++++++++++. my thoughts at the time, and commentary will be in italics
--------------------------
just check your mail, you'll figure it out!
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i did. thats why i want to know who this is... so i can tell whos playing the joke on me
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
now, the next email i receive has a big title, "not a joke, please believe me!" unfortunately, it is not where nearly is big as the fucking email
--------------------------
i promise you this is not some mind game, it's for real, what i wrote was true. i'm just to shy to talk to you in person, hence the reason i sent you a letter. I got up some nerve and called the number in the directory, thinking it might be a cell #, and i guess it was your Dad that answered the phone, said you lived in Fayetteville now. i stammered some lame explanation and hung-up. i sent you an e-mail yesturday in case that was an old address. i just wanted to make sure you got my letter. Again, i promise you this is not a joke. I really do have a class with you, and think you are a cool guy. Don't be freaked out or anything, I'm not looking for a serious soulmate
connection or anything, not even a relationship. Most of my friends are guys, I just don't know that many people in Fayetteville , i moved here about a year ago. I just wanted you to know that i'm crushin on you and find you very interesting. This seems so elementary schoolish, but i'm just so shy, and you seem so comfortable with yourself. If you were to talk to me, i would probably stumble and stutter over all my words, whereas writing you a letter was easy, all i had to do was send it. I don't want you to know who i am just yet. If i were to give you my number would call it??????????????? Once again, I promise you this is not a joke.
--------------------------
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
maybe, if you tell me who this is first.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
as you can see, my responses are very elaborate. now, the next email i received was titled, "here's my #, do with it what you will." great, another fucking long one. and yes, i put x's where the bitches phone number is.
--------------------------
Maybe sending you a letter was a bad idea, i thought it was a good idea at the time, now i am second guessing myself. I guess I would be pretty pissed too, that is until i found out if this was legit or not. It's not a joke, or some sick prank. I just wanted to try a different approach to hitting on you, since i have to see you in class a few days each week. For all i know, you have a girlfriend. i don't want to get my ass whopped, or cause any drama. You are probably out of my league anyways, but here's my number (445-XXXX). I'm not going to tell you who i am. I don't know you. You seem like a nice guy, but all i know is what i see from class. I guess if you don't call in next few days, i'll leave it at, and stop sending you messages. I hope you call, if only you call to tell me to leave you alone. Obviously you are curious about my identity....Duh, anyone who gets a sappy letter like the one i first wrote must be. I do like your eyes and your smirk though. Sorry, i guess i was keeping with the spirit of the Damned Valentine's Day bullshit. i'm not a touchy feely, lovestruck fool or anything. Don't let your ego go to your head. I don't want to set myself up, if you know who i am, it's like I'm a sitting duck! Yeah, yeah, your next thought was probably, "it's not fair to me", but i refuse to be the butt of
a joke!!!!!!! For all i know you only date girls who look like a fucking Barbie doll. Like i said, i'm attractive, but i'm no Barbie!! Look, sorry if i'm annoying you, now you have my number. Call it, or don't call, anytime after 5:00. I live alone, so it will be me that answers. It's my home number and right now i'm on campus.
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So what class do we have together?
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the next one came in a new topic titled, "this is the class we have together!" finally, a fucking email i can tolerate. i have a general rule of disregarding most emails that are over 4 lines long. ohh, and the peanut butter remark, is because in that clas,s the teacher asked if what was happening in the news, so i told her about making a pb&j sandwich which watching the news and seeing the hing about the recall, which i had, so i was pissed
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World Literature. I'm glad you didn't eat the peanut butter!!!!!
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ok so the next email i get from her is random, and its long as fuck. but its funny as hell.
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Dear Shannon,
February 16th, 2007
This is the last letter you are going to get from me. My intention with the first letter was to flatter but mostly to Amuse you. I love to read and write, so I was trying to make it mushy and a bit exaggerated in content. I was inspired to write you because I recently read some love letters my great-great grandfather on my Dad’s side sent to my great-great grandmother between the years 1915-1921. I am a history major, so that kind of thing struck a chord and gave me an idea. Also, it was close to Valentine’s Day when I typed it. Letter writing is a classic form of communication. I
overhead you say some things in class, and yes the letter was silly, but it was intended to be. I hope you don’t/haven’t let anyone from class read it. I’ve never written anyone a secret admirer letter before. I wanted to make you smile one of those big shit-eater grins after you read it. All I was trying to do was make you aware that there is someone who thinks you are attractive and cool. Now that we have been playing e-mail tag, I guess I should tell you that Gone With The Wind is my favorite book. I’ve read it cover to cover four times. Hamilton is the last name of Scarlett O’Hara’s first husband, hence my pseudonym. I’m probably in the class that you least expect me to be in, and am probably a girl you wouldn’t suspect to be your
secret admirer. Just for shits and giggles, are you by chance from around Memphis? If you have a good memory, the reason I ask should make sense to you. I’m from around Helena, a delta country girl born and bred. Also one of my favorite bands is Lucero, a group from around Memphis. If you know who Lucero is, awesome band, they have a song that describes some of my features, (hair and eye color.) The song is “Banks of the Arkansas.” I typed you the letter because I feared you might recognize my handwriting. I gave you my birthday as a clue, so that through a process of elimination, you can figure out who I’m not. I thought with you being a history major, you might like the jest of my riddle. Pearl Harbor Day (December 7th) is the answer if you haven’t figured it out. I guess you’re not going to call, or maybe you
are too scared to call. I might actually tell you who I am if you do, there’s a real good chance I will….. (But I would rather remain anonymous to the class!) I didn’t want to tell you who I am, because I would like to see the look on your face, your initial, first reaction once you see who I am. Another reason is because I work somewhere on campus, and see a ton of people every day. I thought of suggesting maybe we meet somewhere on campus, like a private place in the Library or Union, but that idea probably doesn’t sound appealing to you since you don’t know who I am, Mr. Impatient. I’m very stubborn, always have been, that is one of my greatest flaws. I feel like you’re testing me, this little game has become more complicated than I
originally intended it to be. I wanted it to be one-sided for a while, you receiving anonymous letters from me until I got up the guts to tell you who I am. I got impatient and discouraged when I called the number, so I e-mailed you. I’m sorry if you thought this was a joke, if you feel like I have violated your privacy, or if I have annoyed you in any way. I was feeling really daring the day I sent you the first letter. I probably stood at the postal drop box for a good 10 minutes debating on whether or not to put that letter in the mail. Again, I thought it might amuse you. I guess it did (LOL) Here’s my number if you ever want to call (479) 445-XXXX. I have
your address, you have my number. Whatever you decide to do, do it soon before I give up on you!!! If you have figured out who I am, don’t tell the world please!!!
“Lines for Shannon”
Some guy admired from a far
I wonder who you really are
I sit in class and think of you
I do not know what I should do
I’m very quiet, and very shy
You seem like you are a nice guy
Afraid to talk, afraid to speak
For my real name to be leaked
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i get my own fucking poem. how sweet is that? i'm starting to wonder who this bitch, is, and if she is hot. who knows, i might have to hook up with her. so i downloaded that song, and it talked about brown hair and green eyes. that band really sucks by the way. continuing with my really long responses, i come back with this:
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where do you work on campus?
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okay, but to find out, you have to call me. (Just dial *67 or whatever and call!) Then you can hear what my sexy voice sounds like!!(hehehehe) besides, i don't have a computer at my house, i'm at the fay.pub.lib. right now.
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here, i'm thinking, what a fucking weirdo
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maybe we should just meet somewhere?
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ok
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where would you like to meet? I'm on campus, had to come get some coffee!!!
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coffee is overrated. i'm at my house
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well, i needed a little pick me up, my cats destroyed a bunch of shit while
i was at work this morning!! i'm pissed, i just missed the 5:00 bus!, i'll probably be here until around 6:00, how old are you?
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im old enough. how old are you?
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the next email i get from her is titled, "what ay doin' later?" at this point, im starting to wonder who this bitch is.
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well, leaving campus now, we should get wasted together or something. if you are interested you should call. ever heard of *67? Use it, don't be a scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy scardy cat!!!!! (FYI- if you aren't down w/ Mary Jane, i'm not interested, you seem like a cool guy though) for the millionith time, here is my number 445-XXXX
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so, here is the end of the emails for the most part. through my mad facebook skills and through the university directory, i was able to narrow down the list to just 4 people. they were either not on facebook, not in the directory, or i couldnt view their facebook profiles. so, later that night, i played poker with a few friends, won some money, and got good and drunk. after surviving the drive home, i decide ot call this bitch. i guess i talked to her for a while, based on the amount of rum that had depleted itself from my half g. nonetheless, all i really remember is her voice. it is really annoying. so much to the point that in the calss we have together, i've have pointed it out to people i sit near, because this bitch also asks really dumb questions. that said, she isnt the type of girl i would go for. i guess i do only go for the barbie types. plus, THIS BITCH IS FUCKING CRAZY! so, i get an email the next morning telling me her name. later, i get another one that says this:
now you know what my name is, do you know who i am? I'm the girl that sits in the very back, probably seen me drawing. i'm a little chubby have brown hair w/ bright red and copper highlights, green eyes, wear a thumb ring. I think i'm quite a dish!! (hehehe) Get drunk and call me again sometime!! I like ya, you're easy to talk to, we should hang out sometime. like i said, i don't want a boyfriend or a relationship so don't be sceered!!!
this next email is totally funny. i get it at some point towards the end of all this, and its the icing on the cake of hilariousness. ya, this bitch wants to bang me.
you're not the only guy i have my eyes on, but your the first i've gone after. been having naughty thoughts about you, it's been a while so......... Anyways, if you ever want to hang out and get stoned, give me a shout
later she sends me an email sayingshe just saw me in the union, but i was with my buddy jeff, so she didnt come over and talk to me. i guess she followed us there, because he is in the class also? stalker. woo. now that you've made it to the end of this longest post ever, i hope you've had a good laugh. while this girl said she didn't want to be made a joke of, well, to fucking bad, thats what you get for being crazy.
mmmmmmmmmm sex
fact, guys want to have sex with most women they see. it doesnt matter if she is fat, ugly, etc etc. there is some scenario that will enable me to have sex with her. i'll put a paper bag over her head. i'll do her doggy style so i dont have to smell her terrible breath. i'll get really wasted so she will get much prettier. as long is a girl isnt rediculiously fat, she can get banged on by almost any guy. fat chicks need love to, some say. its like riding a scooter, fun until you get caught, some say. i really dont know. i've never slept with a fat girl. i guess there is a first time for everything, but hell, i try not to sleep with ugly ones either. then again, if im too drunk to remember how ugly she was, then she was gorgeous.
all that is man
so, i made a new blog the other day, called, all that is man. i decided to get rid of it, because this one is enough for me. basically, it didnt say much. just some shit about shit. basically, it talked about how guys sometimes do unexplainable shit, like sleep with some random skeeze. later, i talked about anna niocle smith, how she died, and how i would have done her, just because she was famous. dont get me wrong, there was some porn from back in the day that she did that was money, but then she got fat. now, there are different rules to go by when it comes to celebrities, but still, she got fat. you can drink them pretty but you cant drink them skinny. motto to live by
i talked about going to a party, with intentions of finding a young skeezer slut to take home with me. it was a fraternity party, so it wouldn't be too difficult, but i opted not to do that.
i talked about going to a party, with intentions of finding a young skeezer slut to take home with me. it was a fraternity party, so it wouldn't be too difficult, but i opted not to do that.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
updates
so i havent really updated this lately, mainly because i created a new blog and update that regularily. stay tuned and perhaps i'll give the address to it.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
da bears
the bears are fucking awesome, and so are bears fans. during last sunday's playoff game, this sign was aired hanging on the side of the stadium. additionally, there were signs that said stuff like. "Ride your boat back to New Orleans, Katrin victims." and signs about Reggis Bush and Goerge Bush being related.... awesome
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
old movies
so far, this movie for this class, military history in film, sucks ass. i cant really get into it. perhaps i need popcorn.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
ahhh
so, i havent written in this in over a month, because i'm fucking worthless... i've been fucking worthless, i mean absolutely completely worthless for a week now. it is awesome. tomorrow i think we are going to clean the garage. that will be productive. i watched the pursuit of happyness tonight. it was good. im about ready for christmas break to be over, so i can be productive again. i have this friend who has fallen off the face of the earth. maybe she'll call me tomorrow, and tell me she is still alive. who knows?
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