maybe i should have been a mexican drug dealer

so, i got this email forwarded to me with these pictures from a mexican drug dealers house that got raided. have these mother fuckers never heard of a bank? stupid mexicans. nonetheless, what a shitload of money. you know those cops skimmed some off the top, since they are most certainly dirty. this should cover some of what mexico owes the US...

W

i stumbled across this little gem this morning, and found it quite humorous. personally, i think i'd rather pull out. :)



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fuck corporate america

it has come to my attention that the entire world is controlled by corporate america. more specifically, it is controlled by companies that produce products that contain a legal, yet addictive drug. these drugs are caffeine and nicotine. what is worse, society conforms to the demands made by the consumers of these products. thats why you see the tall ash try type things with sand in them outside buildings, or the smokers stations, or whatever you throw cigarette butts in. also, thats why there is a damn soda machine in almost every building in the US. it makes no difference how much it costs, people still buy the shit and need the shit, myself included. this morning, when i go to get my every morning coca cola classic, i put in my dollar, push the button for my refreshing cold beverage, and wait. nothing happens. i push the button again. still nothing. mother fuck, i think, this piece of shit just took my dollar. i push the refund button, and out pops my dollar. i'll try this again, i think to myself. put the dollar in, still the same. it is only then that i notice the tiny stick in the upper right hand corner of all the selections that says 1.15. wtf? i think to myself. how dare these bastards raise the costs of a soda by 15%. i know gas is expensive as fuck, but does it really cost that much more to bring me this drink. inflation is also a factor, but still, i dont carry around an extra dime and nickel just for shits and giggles. luckily, i had one of each in my car, so i can enjoy this tasty treat, which is about the only thing keeping me awake.

yea, its late

no, i dont know how i stumbled across this. yes, its funny. fuck you if you dont like it. these are comedy porn titles

http://www.starma.com/penis/daddyswank/daddyswank.html

A few of my favorites:
8 Mile Cock
American History XXX
Armaget-it-on
Booty and the Beast
Cunt Hardly Wait
Done In 60 Seconds

Ok, i cant list anymore. im laughing my ass off. time for bed. read for yourself.

must be some good stuff

so, there is this guy in my class, who drinks more diet pepsi jazz than i even knew existed. every day, he has 4. thats a shitload. he is very methodical about how he drinks them, how he lines them up by his computer, etc. very ocd. hes a nice guy though, but i couldnt help take a picture of it to put on my blog.

everyone has a little closet freak in them

i listen to fucked up music. i find it entertaining. i have a wide variety of musical tastes. is ranges from deftones to taylor swift (who i want to make babies with) to r. kelly to TI to korn to tool to the beatles to earth wind and fire to elvis. elvis to evil is a good summation of my music collection. i've been to a shitload of shows, and seen everything from an on stage prayer to a guitar playing getting naked and humping his guitar on stage, to a guy getting out the biggest blunt i've ever seen, and smoking it on stage. last night, at the bar, i had on a (hed)pe or Hed P.E. or whatever the hell their name is now shirt. to my surprise, a girl who was out last night new this specific band, and threw out the name of a specific song, Crazy Legs. now, this is possibly one of the most fucked up songs by this band. well, i take that back, some of their new shit is far more fucked up, if that is possible. (click here for the intro to one of there albums released since then. its called foreplay.) i'll copy down the lyrics at the end of this and you can judge for yourself. anyway, i've decided that everyone has a little freak in them, and enjoys listening to some fucked up music. me, im just more open about it. this band rocks. see more at their myspace page and hell here is a link to crazy legs. Crazy Legs

Crazy Legs
-----------
I Come into your house make love to your spouse
Fuck her in the mouth then Im out what
These type of things happens all the time
You trying to get yours but Im a kill for mine
Nigga nigga nigga a nigga please
I strap on a jimmy
Cuz I dont want a disease
Baby likes it when I come inside
I come into your house and take your daughter for a ride
Now how you gonna slow me down
Show me how you heard about my theory now
Feel me now busta
you dealing with the microphone crusher
Amateurs fold under pressure
Yeah roll up that blunt now
Lay yo guns down who be the one now
Out of town before sun down o.k. corral
You gonna slow me down bitch show me how

You gonna slow me down show me how
You gonna slow me down show me how
You gonna slow me down show me how
You gonna slow me down bitch show me how
Whooooa
Where my dogs at
Where my girls at
Where da whiskey at me let me hit some of that
Im a drink my wine and smoke my weed
Im a fuck that honey from behind
This is until she screams
Oh yeah hell yeah
Theres a party over here party over there
Rebels throw you fist in the air
Bitches throw your tits in the air

(chorus)2x
Hed p.e. cant you see
Sometimes your shit just hypnotize me
And I just love your freaky ways
M.c. my love is here to stay
M.c.o.d. oh cant you see
Sometimes you shit just hypnotize me
And I just love your freaky ways
Hed p.e. my love is here to stay

(2nd verse)
You heard about that shit that we do
You heard about the sex and the drugs and the violence
Its all true
I heard about your puss ass crew
Cross over corporate take down take two
Huh you running out of time now
You all mine now lights out
You fat muthafucker watch me shine now
You fat ass
You wanna show me down show me how
You heard about my theory now fear me now
Cuz aint no way that the shit can miss
See all my dogs fuck it up in the pits
See all my ladies shake they hips and wiggle they tits
Shit my niggas might bounce to this
Cuz everybody talking about that new sound crazy
But its still hip hop to me
What what

(chorus)

(3rd verse)
Let me have your muthafucking undivided attention
Its about time I set the muthafuckin record straight
Now its obvious who smokes the most and the best weed
And its obvious who got the most and the finest hoes
And its obvious whos gonna get the props in 2000 one!
2012 come watch me
Shine in the new millenium yeah
I think your fine baby
Nah you aint my baby
You think Im crazy nah nah no
Muthafucking way fuck tomorrow fuck today
Fuck yo scandalous ass and yo scandalous ways
Fuck you momma and the ho she raised - what!

(chorus)

i love the smell of burnt toast in the morning

well, ok, its afternoon. i'm not going to lie. i got up at noon. i deserved it. just the right amount of beer last night coupled with some reading until well into the am, plus a night cap of scotch, found me going to bed at 4:30am. i couple more hours and i'd have been awake for 24. i bought a toaster monday night, to go along with my toaster struddles i bought the previous week. i forgot i didnt have a toaster. today was the first day i've used it. needless to say, i had to hit the struddles with a knife to knock the really burnt part of the crust into the sink. ahh well, for $6, i shouldn't complain too much. i havent had toaster struddles in such a long time. i used to grub on that shit all the time as a kid, in the morning before going to school. strawberry is the way to go. its $$ in the bank. too bad they arent filling whatsoever. guess i'll have to eat some cottage cheese and fruit for that.

i get paid to fuck around and listen to music

so, this job is as boring as can be. i'm waiting for an email from the government, so i continue in my mission to see the end of the internet. today, i've been reading my old blog, form a couple years ago. getting a helluva laugh. specifically when i posted the chat log with emily on the blog and people commented on it. i might put that up here for shits and giggles sooner or later. here is a jewel i found that still applies to all things in my life, so i wanted to discuss it again, and update it some. its about music, which, at this new job, has been a life saver/time killer. i've always said music is the soundtrack to my life. never before has it been more apparent than with the development of the website, pandora.com... i love this website. i've finally listened to this station long enough and given it enough feedback that it pretty much plays music i really like.

music is the soundtrack to life. why do you think people play music when they have sex? well, besides having it playing to cover up the oohs and ahhs so your roommates, dormmates, guy in the next room at the fraternity house, people in the library, etc dont hear. but really, you play music so when you hear that song at a later time it reminds you of that enjoyable time. i just heard a song i haven't heard in years. i was instantly taken back to junior year of high school while on the bus to a soccer game. one of the best times ever. unfortunately, it works in opposite ways as well. someone dies, you get dumped, you fail a test, etc etc. the song you first hear playing can instantly remind you of that terrible time. you win some, you lose some, i say. fortunately for me, my life has many more good moments than bad, and the bad ones i'm over now. i wouldn't be the person i am today without all the experiences i've had in the past. i'm glad music was there for those experiences to remind me of times long past. that way, i dont forget, and let history repeat itself. wouldn't want that. i love music.

the end of the world?

what the hell is going on in the world? i fear the apocalypse may be near. perhaps it is time to pray. the canadian loonie is now worth more than the US dollar. wtf?

i love downum and nay nay

so i'm talking to downum, and he was reading my law of attraction post. i guess i should title this one cost of a women. this is basically a follow up, stemmed from the conversation at the end of this post. basically, if you look at this from a purely sexual viewpoint, as downum most certainly does, you calculate all the money and time you spend on your woman, versus how many times you sleep with her. that would be your average cost of sex per time. if a hooker is cheaper, it makes sense. if a hooker is more expensive, at least you get variety. per nathan, then again, rosy palm is always cheap and available. and she knows what i like. maximum efficiency on time spent and enjoyment gained.


[(AMT $$ SPENT) + (VALUE TIME LOST)] / # OF TIMES HUMPED = AVG COST OF HUMPAGE
IF AVG COST HUMPAGE < AVG COST OF HOOKER, GET HOOKER.
IF AVG COST HUMPAGE = AVG COST OF HOOKER, STRANGE > SAME, GET HOOKER
----------------------------
justin: "greedy materialistic prostitute" Classic!!!!

me: the stuff i am ashamed of isnt in there
haha
seriously
buy a chicks drinks, dinner, maybe get laid
same as a hooker

justin: no doubt!

me: look at the time + money investment in any gf, and the ratio to times sexxed
determine your avg cost of sex
see if a hooker is cheaper
and bam
wow
i have to write this in my blog

justin: hookers are by far a better investment!!!

miscommunication

so, last night in class, i was bored, so i started talking to people on AIM. i talked to a girl here in law school, about all sorts of random stuff. somehow, we got on the subject of judging people based on 1st impressions and stereotypes. long story short, she ended up pointing out that at the halloween party last week i said something to her, which as it was given, a compliment, but as it was taken, an insult. now, this girl is a cutey. and all in all, from what i know thus far, a cool chick; intelligent, cute, smartass, drinks skinny cubans and wine like a champ (yes yes, i know, the perfect girl for me, so refrain from commenting as such). now, at the halloween party, in my drunken state, i said to her, "if you weren't you, i would totally try to sleep with you." now this was because of her hot little costume. some sort of snow white something or another. now, she took this comment as a "i would not sleep with you." where, i intended it as a "if you were cool and attractive, and someone i would potentially date in the future, i would totally try to have a 1-4 night stand with you." ahh, the joys of miscommunication.

monsters, nutter butter, and booze, oh my!

i went to the game in fayetteville this weekend. had a blast. dmac is a monster. friday night rode up to the game with kyler, he dropped me off at brandon's. met b and dave at the bar. had a good time. funny side note... b made a fake parking pass for daves apartment complex right on dickson. he had one in his car and had me grab one so i could park there also. as i pull in, i sent him a text message saying "im at the house of hebrew." since dave is jewish. well, i go to z330 and have a drink, then we go back across the street to dave's to take some shots. funniest part is, got dave a jewish flag and put it up on the wall. so me not knowing this, and calling it the house of hebrew, makes it hilarious. anyway, sat we pull over some trees with a water hose and a truck. yes alcohol was involved. but we needed wood for the bonfire, and we didnt want this dead tree to fall on the fence at b's. we head to the game, to do some tailgating. drink plenty, and go to the game. we beat the pants off of south carolina. i am happy for the players this past weekend considering how they beat SC down. they needed a win, and it was probably dmac and felix last game in fay. they deserve the win.

unfortunately, all the nutt huggers come out from under the rock, and tell us people who hate nutt how great he is after this big win. we should have beat this team no matter what. SC is the whipping post of the SEC, next in line to be a mississippi school. where were these huggers when nutt choked in the 4th quarter against bama, kentucky, and auburn. nowhere to be found. i'm trying not to care, but after watching saturday's game, i'm pissed off. why am i mad when we have such a dominant win? because the second half of this game was pure nuttball. we have one of the msot talented teams in the country. saturday night proved that. this is the same team that gave up 3 sec losses. saturday night, nutter butter busted out Gus' playbook, which was used last year to beat ass, to put up some points. he then switched back to his style of play with 2 mins left in hte half, as was evident by his poor clock management. it was back to pure nuttball. which was 0 wins in october in 2003, 2004, and 2005. right now, as i've said before, we should be undefeated, and in the NC title hunt. how can we start ranked, and not be #2, if not #1 in the country right now, if we go undefeated. nutt has kept us from that. his poor coaching and play calling is what did it. off field bs aside, he is a terrible coach.

2006, hogs had 10 straight wins. we were a contender for the NC. then, in the SC game, nutt goes back to nuttball, and while we win against tenn, they sucked, so we lose to LSU. we lose to florida, and lose ot wisconsin. with the most talented athlete arkansas has ever seen. we could have vieed for the NC last year, and this year. it could have been the hogs beating the shit out of ohio state for the NC. now, we return the same talent, minus mitch and damian, and cant win shit. nutter butters big fucking ego just wont let arkansas win if it isnt him calling the plays. that fucking pisses me off.

so i ride back to little rock sunday morning, happy for a win, but pissed off. the worst part is this win might be enough to bring nutt back for yet another year of disappointment. and there will be no dmac or felix. we will maybe win 5 games. fuck

why i look at porn

by viewing porn, i'm giving pages hits which lets the site pay the models a little more. those poor girls might not have much (other than 12 inchs of man meat) and i'm helping them support themselves when they might not have anyone to turn to, allowing them to get by. in a sense, every time i do the dirty deed, i'm actually saving lives.

dictionary for decoding women's personal ads

let me start by saying, i am at work, and i am that bored. i have seen the end of the internet. so i constantly peruse for new websites and funny stuff that i have never seen before. i go to sites like craigslist and facebook and other free dating websites looking at bitches profiles, because i can. today i found this little gem.

40-ish...............................49.
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.............................No breasts.
Average looking......................Moooo.
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...................On medication.
Feminist.............................Fat.
Free Spirit..........................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former Slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Open-minded..........................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate......................Stalker.

why i love gmail

http://www.google.com/mail/help/fightspam/spamexplained.html

fuck spam

im an idiot

so downum is already planning next summer's trip, because its going to be a $5000 blow out for 2 months. I'd really like to go, but probably wont. nonetheless, i told him i'd send my old blog post about last years trip to the listserv, to stir interest. now, i've been going over some old blogs and i found one i made a long time ago called the secret life of. it only had 4 posts, and here they are. these were about jessica, and now that i go back and read this, i really do realize i am an idiot for even fucking with her, because i knew from the get go it wouldnt work out....

Wednesday, April 12, 2006
this is my new secret
so here is where i'll tell the world my secrets. if you cna find them

Thursday, April 13, 2006
feelings
so, i have feelings for someone. bummer... she is my friends friend. we've been hooking up for a week. shes so hot and has such a banging body. looks great naked. too bad she likes to hook up with everyone. i cant date her. i shouldnt even like her. this has bad news written all over it.

Monday, April 17, 2006
updates
im going to fall for this girl. hard if im not careful. last night made the 10th night in a row she has stayed over. i cant get enough of her. she is absolutely the most amazing girl. i must find a way to make this work and be with her.

Thursday, April 27, 2006
the l word
so, im falling in love with this girl. she is in love with me. shes told me a couple times. its scary, but i dont mind. seriously, she is who i've been looking for for a long time. i just wish she was a little older, then everything would be fantastic.

I got in a fight this morning...

i rear-ended a car this morning. so there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. i've been crazy stressed with law school, not sleeping much, not getting any, and just dealing with a whole buch of stress. you know how you just get sooo stressed at life that stuff seems to get funny? well, i could not believe it, but the guy who gets out of the car i hit was a fucking dwarf. he walks over to my car all pissed off, and looks up at me and says, "i am not happy!" so i look down at him and say, "well, which on are you then?" thats when the fight started...

Houston Nutt is such a bitch

I hope he leaves Arkansas. He is fucking up my football season. Bastard.

the cure to crabs

crabs are easy to cure. this is an remedy that is a definite cure, should you find yourself neck deep in some ditty skeeze or if you are a chick, getting banged on by some dirty dick. the cure is as follows:

1. shave half of the pubes around your junk
2. light the other half on fire
3. when the crabs jump the the shaved side, stab them with an ice pick

you are crab free.

a letter

Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Coupled with this is the desire to bang anything. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.