Wednesday, October 31, 2007
why i look at porn
by viewing porn, i'm giving pages hits which lets the site pay the models a little more. those poor girls might not have much (other than 12 inchs of man meat) and i'm helping them support themselves when they might not have anyone to turn to, allowing them to get by. in a sense, every time i do the dirty deed, i'm actually saving lives.
dictionary for decoding women's personal ads
let me start by saying, i am at work, and i am that bored. i have seen the end of the internet. so i constantly peruse for new websites and funny stuff that i have never seen before. i go to sites like craigslist and facebook and other free dating websites looking at bitches profiles, because i can. today i found this little gem.
40-ish...............................49.
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.............................No breasts.
Average looking......................Moooo.
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...................On medication.
Feminist.............................Fat.
Free Spirit..........................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former Slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Open-minded..........................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate......................Stalker.
40-ish...............................49.
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.............................No breasts.
Average looking......................Moooo.
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...................On medication.
Feminist.............................Fat.
Free Spirit..........................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former Slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Open-minded..........................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate......................Stalker.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
im an idiot
so downum is already planning next summer's trip, because its going to be a $5000 blow out for 2 months. I'd really like to go, but probably wont. nonetheless, i told him i'd send my old blog post about last years trip to the listserv, to stir interest. now, i've been going over some old blogs and i found one i made a long time ago called the secret life of. it only had 4 posts, and here they are. these were about jessica, and now that i go back and read this, i really do realize i am an idiot for even fucking with her, because i knew from the get go it wouldnt work out....
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
this is my new secret
so here is where i'll tell the world my secrets. if you cna find them
Thursday, April 13, 2006
feelings
so, i have feelings for someone. bummer... she is my friends friend. we've been hooking up for a week. shes so hot and has such a banging body. looks great naked. too bad she likes to hook up with everyone. i cant date her. i shouldnt even like her. this has bad news written all over it.
Monday, April 17, 2006
updates
im going to fall for this girl. hard if im not careful. last night made the 10th night in a row she has stayed over. i cant get enough of her. she is absolutely the most amazing girl. i must find a way to make this work and be with her.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
the l word
so, im falling in love with this girl. she is in love with me. shes told me a couple times. its scary, but i dont mind. seriously, she is who i've been looking for for a long time. i just wish she was a little older, then everything would be fantastic.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
this is my new secret
so here is where i'll tell the world my secrets. if you cna find them
Thursday, April 13, 2006
feelings
so, i have feelings for someone. bummer... she is my friends friend. we've been hooking up for a week. shes so hot and has such a banging body. looks great naked. too bad she likes to hook up with everyone. i cant date her. i shouldnt even like her. this has bad news written all over it.
Monday, April 17, 2006
updates
im going to fall for this girl. hard if im not careful. last night made the 10th night in a row she has stayed over. i cant get enough of her. she is absolutely the most amazing girl. i must find a way to make this work and be with her.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
the l word
so, im falling in love with this girl. she is in love with me. shes told me a couple times. its scary, but i dont mind. seriously, she is who i've been looking for for a long time. i just wish she was a little older, then everything would be fantastic.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I got in a fight this morning...
i rear-ended a car this morning. so there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. i've been crazy stressed with law school, not sleeping much, not getting any, and just dealing with a whole buch of stress. you know how you just get sooo stressed at life that stuff seems to get funny? well, i could not believe it, but the guy who gets out of the car i hit was a fucking dwarf. he walks over to my car all pissed off, and looks up at me and says, "i am not happy!" so i look down at him and say, "well, which on are you then?" thats when the fight started...
Houston Nutt is such a bitch
I hope he leaves Arkansas. He is fucking up my football season. Bastard.
Friday, October 05, 2007
the cure to crabs
crabs are easy to cure. this is an remedy that is a definite cure, should you find yourself neck deep in some ditty skeeze or if you are a chick, getting banged on by some dirty dick. the cure is as follows:
1. shave half of the pubes around your junk
2. light the other half on fire
3. when the crabs jump the the shaved side, stab them with an ice pick
you are crab free.
1. shave half of the pubes around your junk
2. light the other half on fire
3. when the crabs jump the the shaved side, stab them with an ice pick
you are crab free.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
a letter
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Coupled with this is the desire to bang anything. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Coupled with this is the desire to bang anything. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
updates
yes, ive been busy with school, and being sick, and just havent updated this in a while. i found some funny facebook groups though. my definite favorite is one called "My Friends Are Getting Married... I'm Just Getting Drunk" story of my life
You might be in law school if
You know all sorts of sneaky and creative ways to steal from clients thanks to your Professionalism and Ethics class.
You consider dropping out of law school approximately every hour, but after that first semester you realized you were already in too much debt to be anything other than a lawyer.
You aspire to one day own Blackacre.
Substance abuse becomes you.
The drama in your life now rivals that of high school.
You make adverse possession jokes.
You can name without hesitation at least three people who make you want to throw things when you see them raise their hands in class.
You think IRAC and CREAC are just code for saying the same thing over and over.
You are truly and deeply unnerved by the thought of some of your classmates becoming attorneys.
You think tequila shots are essential to ordered liberty.
You wonder if that one professor who always seems angry and irritable and treats students’ minds as his personal playground is actually a sociopath or just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.
Sometimes during disagreements you are tempted to 12(b)(6) the offending friend or family member.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between a conspirator and an accomplice.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between coffee and red bull.
You can’t remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself.
You think whoever first introduced the Socratic method into the law school curriculum should have his face lit on fire and then beaten out with a rake.
You can’t think of any legitimate reason why a law student would need access to certain public records, but you can think of a whole lot of illegitimate ones.
After the first semester you realized that “briefing a case” need only consist of looking it up on Lexis or Westlaw.
You’ve given yourself carpal tunnel from all the spider solitaire you play in class.
When someone is expressing their frustration or anger about something that is in any way related to the law, you can’t be sympathetic because you’re too busy figuring out in your head if they have a cause of action.
You hear about the death of an elderly friend or relative and wonder if they died intestate.
You have considered changing career paths to hot dog vendor, stilt walker, or career alcoholic.
You're pretty sure the reasonable prudent man is a friendless tool who still lives with his mother.
You consider dropping out of law school approximately every hour, but after that first semester you realized you were already in too much debt to be anything other than a lawyer.
You aspire to one day own Blackacre.
Substance abuse becomes you.
The drama in your life now rivals that of high school.
You make adverse possession jokes.
You can name without hesitation at least three people who make you want to throw things when you see them raise their hands in class.
You think IRAC and CREAC are just code for saying the same thing over and over.
You are truly and deeply unnerved by the thought of some of your classmates becoming attorneys.
You think tequila shots are essential to ordered liberty.
You wonder if that one professor who always seems angry and irritable and treats students’ minds as his personal playground is actually a sociopath or just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.
Sometimes during disagreements you are tempted to 12(b)(6) the offending friend or family member.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between a conspirator and an accomplice.
You know and understand the complicated epistemological and metaphysical differences between coffee and red bull.
You can’t remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself.
You think whoever first introduced the Socratic method into the law school curriculum should have his face lit on fire and then beaten out with a rake.
You can’t think of any legitimate reason why a law student would need access to certain public records, but you can think of a whole lot of illegitimate ones.
After the first semester you realized that “briefing a case” need only consist of looking it up on Lexis or Westlaw.
You’ve given yourself carpal tunnel from all the spider solitaire you play in class.
When someone is expressing their frustration or anger about something that is in any way related to the law, you can’t be sympathetic because you’re too busy figuring out in your head if they have a cause of action.
You hear about the death of an elderly friend or relative and wonder if they died intestate.
You have considered changing career paths to hot dog vendor, stilt walker, or career alcoholic.
You're pretty sure the reasonable prudent man is a friendless tool who still lives with his mother.
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